i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I need a burrito and a hug.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Randomize
