I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
