I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
