this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
