Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
