I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize