just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
