I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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