Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
