I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
