I cockslap morals
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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