my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
tell me about the eggs
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