his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I intend to get homeless drunk
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
