i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
