So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
