What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
