So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
