do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
