I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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