what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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