A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
