It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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