the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
