Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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