dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
