So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
