Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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