ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
