hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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