is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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