We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
