I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
