his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
