You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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