i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
