Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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