oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
