I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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