Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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