Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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