i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
