Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
