apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
