I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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