Tell her she can't have a vagina
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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