Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
