We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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