turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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