Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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