Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
