I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm passing your future prison.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
