Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
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