Don't make out with my wife yet
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
