He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
