Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
